اعتراف بعدم اعتراف: هاشم صالح عمر

كم مرة إبتلعت كلمة أحبك،
وانتِ بإنتظار أن أناولك إياها
إلتفت منك منشغلا بأشياء هامشية؛ الإزدحام، خطوط الموصلات، أزمة العيش، صفوف البنزين، حكاوي العامة، شكاوي المارين اليومية، تفاصيل المحطات، إقتباسات الكتب، القصائد الصوتية، الاُغنيات القديمة، الحزن المشاتر، الهموم التي تتطاول علينا
كنت أهرب أهرب نحو النهر، نحو ضفة اُخرى من الحديث وخطوتي تعود بي لعينيك
كم مرة تداركتُ ذلك الكم الهائل من نظراتك، وحين أقرر لفظها
كان شيء ما يلوح في نهاية الطريق
او ما يشبه غابة كثيفة، متشابكه، مُظلمة أحس بشيء مايعيق نطقي للكلمة -اُردد يجب التأني-

ومرات كثيرة تلعثمت،رغم إني حاولت التظاهر بشيء من الثبات لكني إرتبكت كطفل عند عتبات سلم متدحرج، دائري، متداخل لا يؤدي لشيء سوى أشباع فضول وتجربة خائبة
وظللتُ امضغها كعلقة تكاد تفقد طعمها
كثير ما ظللتُ اُحدق في سقف الغرفة واقرر أن أرمي كل مافي قلبي بين يديك
وتلكأتُ وترددتُ في إيقاظ ما بيننا
رغم يقيني؛ إنك مهيأة بقلبك لتلك العواصف بقدر ما اُخفيها،لأتعمد في إظاهر غباء متكرر، إستشف إجابات عشاق أخرين وأضعها في امتحان قسري وأضاعا نتائج مسبقة
مرة حين دسستها بين تفاصيل وثرثرات جانبية بضغط على لهفتي وترقبي ولوحتُ باللأمبالة وعدم إهتمام
كنتُ ألحظ إنتباهك في صمت خطواتك
في ردودك الباردة،في ضحكاتك الباهتة
حين أحكو نكتة ما، في خيبة توقعاتك، في يدك المرتدة من لمسة صريعة بك.
تبؤ دوما محاولات ان أصرف بالك للبعيد من هنا بفعل تأنيب غريب ووخز عنيد
ودواخلي تلح أن أقول لكِ
“أحبك احبك” حتى يتردد الصدى في الميادين العامة،ويخرج الجمع لأحدثهم عن أهم حدث في حياتي
ثم أقطع شرايين الاُمنيات التي تربطك بي، وأوصد أبواب كثيرة واسدُ نوافذ واُغلق طرقات واُطفيء أضواء و أوزع وسادات حولي في ليل خالي-مليء بكِ-
مليئ بالدموع والجوى، ألملم الوقت الطويل ليلاً وأنثر حوله اُغنيات، او لعل الموسيقى تبحر بي بعيدا منك حتى أتوه وتفلت يدي من يدك، ويتمدد بيننا ظلام ونسيان
يدفعنا بعيدا كلما ضج شوق او خيال؛
يفيضُ إحتمالي بالحب ويوقد ناره فيّي
وانا إبتلع طيوفا تساورني، أحلاما وكوابيس تؤرقني، وأشياء تسري وتمُر مُتخذة ملامحك ثوبا لتعبر فيّي
وإنتِ متأهبة ان أنطق
أركض وانغمس في زخم المدينة،
أتمم على ما أملك من جنيهات واحصر ذاتي بلا خيارات،
أعافر من أجل مقعد واحد في “مركبة” هالكة،وأدفع ثمن كوب قهوة واحد بصعوبة”لـ ست الشاي”
وأقول لا حيلة لي، انا لست بقادر على فك طلاسم مشاعري المشتبكة بواقع مرير، بتعسرات وعثرات عديدة، ربما تفلت يدي من يدك في زحام ما وإهتم لحظتها بنجاة بنفسي ولا إكترث
لكني أعود مبددا كل ذلك التوجس،وأطرق بابك ليلا وأترك رسالتي الصريحة:

انا لا أتمنّى غيرَ يدٍ،

يدٍ جريحةٍ، لو أمكنَ ذلك.

أنا لا أريدُ غيرَ يدٍ،

حتّى لوْ قضيتُ ألفَ ليلةٍ بلا مضجع.*

“ها ولقد طفح بي ذلك الشعور وبدوت ك طالب للنجاة من دهاليز ذاتي الرمادية”

*لوركا

رسائل مؤجلة
22/فبراير 2020

2٬213 thoughts on “اعتراف بعدم اعتراف: هاشم صالح عمر

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  68. کاربرد این سیستم طی سال­های مختلف ساده­تر شده اما هنوز هم ممکن است موجب سردرگمی کاربران شود.

    به همین علت یافتن آموزشی که در عین حجم کم، تمامی مطالب ضروری را به شما
    بیاموزد کاری دشوار به نظر می رسد.

    به همین جهت در ساختمون 24 ، دوره ای را تدوین کردیم که
    در 6 ساعت آموزش MSP را پشت سر بگذارید و پس از آن به
    مدیریت پروژه های خود مشغول شوید.

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